Separation Anxiety
by I-Am-Kingofgames
Summary: What would it be like, to go from existing almost completely within someone's mind, in their heart and next to their soul, and then be ripped from it all and expected to function normally on their own? Can one even go through what he's been through without repercussions? -Post-canon Yami has separation anxiety, because I can, and because someone might relate to it like I do.-


Instead of working on any of my other stories that I still would love to finish, I accidentally wrote this like 6 months ago and it's been sitting getting moldy on my hard drive, wishing to be read.

Mostly I just wanted to force my separation anxiety onto a character I relate to, so here we go. So sorry, Yami.

* * *

I've always known that my other half isn't, hasn't been, completely...mentally stable. When we "met" he was laughing at people's pain, and sending them into horrible nightmares.

Even at the end, even at his best, he still had that look in his eyes. Like maybe he's seen a little too much to ever really be completely sane again.

I mean, he spent several thousand years in the dark. I never expected him to be completely sane again, after that. I don't know exactly how aware he was that entire time, but I get the feeling he was aware enough to suffer some damage.

So, when I heard for the first time about the Gods bringing him back, letting him live again, I knew he might not be as...stable, as everyone expected him to be.

Of course, that wasn't the first thing to cross my mind.

I didn't have much choice in the matter, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely elated to have him back. I don't want to say I would have begged, but it was tearing me apart to be away from him. I wanted him to be happy before anything else, but if they were willingly going to bring him back, I sure wasn't going to be the one to stand in their way.

I've always seen him a little differently than the others do. Than most others ever could. I'm sure he has family that's seen the other sides of him that I missed when he was only a spirit. But my friends...

They use these weird words to describe him. It's interesting.

Stoic. "A commanding presence". Strong. Unbeatable. Untouchable.

Pharaoh.

A God.

They don't understand.

I didn't understand either, at first. I used to be able to feel his emotions, so I know that they existed. My friends didn't even know that much. But because I was able to feel his emotions, because we were tired so closely together, things like _this_ didn't often happen.

Right now, we're sitting on my bed, and he's collapsed against my chest, crying.

Sobbing.

I know better than to just say "Well I knew he wasn't going to be mentally stable", and leave it at that. These things have names. Diagnosable names and treatments.

But what he's been through is insane in and of itself.

A therapist couldn't begin to understand.

So, for all intents and purposes, I'm his therapist. That's how it has to be right now.

I have, however, gotten him a basic mental checkup. He gave me the worst look when I suggested it. But after a moment of shock, he chuckled and smirked, and said it'd probably be for the best.

He doesn't scare me. He scares our friends sometimes. The way he smiles sometimes is a little...crooked.

We haven't gotten very much diagnosed, and I don't think we'll be able to.

The most the doctor was able to tell when he saw him was that he has a very strong case of separation anxiety. From me.

That doctor will never understand why. I understand, but I don't. I mean, it's understandable if you know everything about him. If you know he was tied to my heart and soul, and he existed in my head.

He mumbles every now and then, from his place soaking my shirt through.

You see, I'm going to a tournament in a couple of days, and this time he's not going with me. I'm not the happiest about it either, but I'll definitely manage. I'll be gone three nights, and I won't have very much time to chat with him via phone or online.

The first time he reacted this way I was shocked. I was only going to be gone overnight one night. It was a school trip for my last year of high school, and it was an overnight trip with my class.

He's weird about his reactions, because he tries so hard to stay strong for me. For hours, he seems fine. And then I notice.

At first it's just that his sentences get shorter. Especially when he's sort of gotten a handle on it. We'll be fine and he'll be laughing with me and I'll mention that I forgot to pack something, and suddenly he's silent. I speak again, and I get "Good." or "Ok." or "Right...".

And the first couple of times, I really didn't understand why. I still can't claim to understand why. But I know enough to know how he reacts now.

It wasn't this way when he was just my other self. They say mental illnesses are brain issues. Brain differences, lets say. I don't know what that says about my physical brain, that he was still a little off, even when he was using my body. Maybe the soul can be sick too.

At even the slightest mention of something related to my trip, he freezes. His eyes get distant, far away, and sometimes he doesn't even realize it.

My friends don't know that he's capable of this, because they never have the chance to see it. He'll apologize to me for it later, but he doesn't have to.

He's sobbing into my shirt, gasping. His voice is higher right now than I'm used to. He's more emotional right now than I ever once saw him when he was just a spirit.

He does this in my presence because he knows he's safe.

"What..." he gasps, "What will I do...w-without you...?"

Hearing him stutter is almost weird enough to throw me off. He's a pharaoh. _Was_ a pharaoh. No longer.

"I'm only gonna be gone for a few days, mou hitori no boku."

I try to reassure him.

"days..." he mumbles, and starts to tremble.

I used to think he must've been much older than me when he died. In his 20's maybe. Ordinarily he could pass for at least 19. Right now, he hardly passes for 9. He looks so much younger than I ever saw him before he was flesh. I've got my arms around him, and I'm trying desperately to comfort him, but it doesn't seem to be working.

It's funny, because about anything other than this, he's so strong. He's so strong about everything. If he had to leave me, like he did once before, he could be strong and make it through. When it's me who needs comforting, he's an expert.

He's perfectly capable of those things. He's capable. He's _smart_.

And right now, he's falling apart. Breaking. Coming undone in my arms.

And there's not much I can do to help, except for wait it out with him.

"I-I can't do it, I can't do it without you..." he gasps.

He's borderline hyperventilating, and I know it might escalate.

"Yami, I'm not dying. I'm coming back, you know."

"I can't do it..." he repeats. He gets repetitive sometimes during these little episodes.

I asked the doctor if times like these put him in any danger, and he said the only real danger is him passing out from lack of air. Apparently, he's repetitive because he can't get his mind clear enough to think proper strings of words. That seems weird to me. Back when I could hear his thoughts, I can't remember more than two times when he had trouble stringing them.

Despite what I thought at first, he hasn't had a single violent episode. He's never ever exploded and tried to hurt someone. He's never attacked anyone, or tried to punish anyone.

He's been so gentle to every living thing.

Now, if I'm not careful and I make him mad, he can and will put holes in the wall. But he has never once hit me.

He'll never hurt me like that.

"I-I can't..."

His sentences are getting smaller. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes he's reduced to saying the same word or letter over and over because it's all he can manage. That's ok.

He's hyperventilating now. Stuttering my nickname and gasping desperately.

It's almost enough to make me cancel the trip.

But if I did that, he'd feel guilty. And he'd beat himself up for it. I think he _wants_ me to go, he just doesn't want me to be gone.

The last time I left, my friends informed me that he slipped back into something similar to the Orichalcos ordeal. That he'd seem fine for a little while, and then he'd start acting funny.

Anzu found him once in my bedroom, with his face buried in one of my pillows, and tears slipping down his cheeks.

His embarrassment was enough to shut down his episode that time.

"Breathe with me." I tell him, as I take deliberately long and steady breaths. He tries but it's not working.

That's ok.

"I-I..I..."

This is probably as far as the episode will go today. This is as bad as it will get. I hope.

"It's ok, Yami. Breathe."

He tries again, I can tell he's really trying, but he ends up gasping still.

"I'm here." I try to reassure him.

His head falls back onto my shirt, and he starts to shake.

"But y-you..."

He's trying so hard.

"Hm?"

"Y-You won't...won't..."

"Yami?" I say his nickname to try to get him to finish the sentence.

"You...won't be..."

I take a moment to try and understand. I pull my fingers gently through his hair, trying to give him a sense of security.

"Won't be what, Yami?" I try to keep my voice as gentle as I can. Soft. Caring. I don't want him to think I'm trying to be cruel to him. He's hardly thinking clearly right now.

He gasps again before speaking, his breathing slowly, slowly starting to even out.

"You won't be...here..."

If we were still linked emotionally, I don't think this would be a problem. Sometimes I think all this is, is him mourning our lost connection. It was what he relied on, the source of all his information, for years. Of course he's lost without it.

And it's 98% gone. It's gone as in, I can't feel exactly what he's feeling right now, so I can't know exactly how he's feeling. I wish I did. But I can feel certain things coming off of him in waves. He's so scared. He's _so_ scared. I can feel it.

So, while we can't speak, like, at all, we're not completely cut off. Only almost completely.

"Yami, you know I'll always be with you, right?"

He nods into my shirt, still trying to breathe. I know his throat and tongue must be dry. There's a water bottle on my bedside, and I sit up a little, forcing him to sit up with me.

"Here. Sip on this."

He's shaking. He's shaking so hard, I have to help him.

"Better?"

He nods.

He'll fall asleep after this. His eyes are puffy and red, and his lips look bigger from the fact that he's been breathing through his mouth and everything related to his breathing is dried out and probably inflamed a bit.

"Are you ok, Yami?" I use the smaller nickname now so that he can process my words faster.

He nods again, but he doesn't speak. I can tell he's so tired.

When he's asleep is one of those rare times when I can feel that 2% of our leftover link, lingering. I can feel his emotions better when he's sleeping. It's as though some sort of barrier he's got up when he's awake, comes down.

He looks at me with a question in his eyes. He's tired and he wants to rest, but he doesn't want me to go.

I pull him closer to me, lay him on my chest, as I lean back in bed.

He readily accepts the comfort.

Later, when he's more coherent, he'll apologize for this. He'll say he didn't know what came over him, and that he's sorry. He really doesn't have to. We both know this happens. And it's over now.

His breathing is getting better so fast. He starts to relax in my arms, and I hold him tight so he knows he won't fall.

He barely nuzzles me, from his place practically cuddling on top of me, and I know it's a silent "I love you.". He's probably too tired to speak.

As he's falling asleep, I consider the tournament I'm supposed to go to in a few days. If I thought that the worst of his episodes was when I was gone, I'd cancel it. But I know that the worst is when he finds out, and maybe a while after that, when he remembers again that I'm going. He'll be ok when I'm gone. Anzu knows he gets upset, and he trusts her I think, if he were to need help.

I'm still gonna go.

It'd inconvenience a lot of people if I canceled. My fans, for one. I'm still semi-famous. Kaiba would be beyond annoyed. My bank account wouldn't be too happy, either. I make my living off of tournament appearances and professional duels.

So I have to go.

Ordinarily I try to take Yami with me. But sometimes it just doesn't work out. My poor other self, when he realizes he can't go with me, he tries _everything_ to switch plans around to make it work. This time, no amount of plan switching is going to change it.

It's funny how he reacts about it. He's got me nervous when I normally wouldn't be. Because this is something fairly normal. It's a business trip for a few days, and he's reacting as though it's the last time he'll ever see me.

I know that since it's a few days away, this probably isn't the last episode he'll have over it. I know he'll ask specifically to sleep with me the night before I go. I know that if I don't wake up him to tell him I'm going, that he'll have an episode when he wakes up alone. I always wake him up to tell him I'm going. He cries. He tries not to. He keeps it to a minimum because he knows I don't have time to hold him through an episode again, or I'd miss my flight.

He's asleep on my chest now, and he's drooling but I don't care. He's finally breathing and that's the important part.

At least I know that I'll come home to a very sweet welcome. He's always good about that. He's never mad at me for leaving, he's just happy to see me.

He mumbles in his sleep, and I can't help but wonder if he's having bad dreams. I hope not.

I run my fingers through his hair again, to calm him, and it seems to work. When he's asleep so close to me like this, I feel echoes of what our connection used to be like. Whispers of his thoughts. Echoes of his emotions. He feels small. He feels helpless, a victim of his episodes, unable to stop them no matter how hard he tries.

The whispers I hear are all of my name.

-I'm here.- I think to him, even though I know there's very little chance he'll hear it.

He relaxes a little, and takes a particularly deep breath. I'm so glad he's breathing now.

* * *

I find I have the time for at least a few texts a day here, especially with the fact that even the opponents Kaiba specifically chose to beat me aren't the best at the game, it turns out.

So I've had time to text him, on and off. He's seemed ok! Every time I text him he seems also fairly busy, and I know it's to try to keep himself distracted.

The tournament is a pretty big deal, and it's weird not having him with me.

It's not until night time that I know it'll be more important I get in touch with him. It's when he has the least distractions, and can feel the saddest about my absence.

Actually, tonight is the last night of the thing, and thank goodness too, because I really wanna go sleep in my own bed.

My phone buzzes and I know I can't pull it out of my pocket right now, seeing as how I'm at dinner with Kaiba and a bunch of other people who're the reason I'm getting paid for this. I close my eyes for a second and try desperately to send him reassurance over a link we don't even share anymore.

He tries to act strong for me, even over the phone. But it doesn't take too much prodding to get him to tell me he's been crying. It used to make me feel guilty, but now I know he'll be ok. He tells me how much he misses me, and that he doesn't think he can handle another night without me. To most people, it just looks like "Romeo and Juliet" style infatuation. Like he's just being overly attached. But I know better. I know this is really hard for him.

I tell him I'm proud of him, and I warn him that I'm getting sleepy so that he won't get scared if I stop answering. He demands I sleep this instant because he knows I've had a busy day. It's a glimpse of the spirit I used to know.

My eyes drift closed, and I fall asleep comfortably, knowing that he'll sleep soon too, and that he's ok.

The flight back is too long and I miss him but I'm so excited to be back home to him. I know that he won't accuse me of anything weird while I was gone, he'll just be clingy. I'm ok with clingy.

My heart speeds up as I open the door, to find what looks like him pacing, and when he sees me, there's a second of processing, as he looks more carefully to be sure it's me, and then his eyes light up.

"Yugi!"

Before I have time to blink, I'm in his arms. Every time I come home, we're reunited with almost the same intensity as the first time I saw him alive again.

I think I can hear him crying, as he holds onto me tightly. And I let him. Because I know he's needed this.

I took today and cleared my calendar because I know that when I come home from a trip like this, he needs to see me.

So today we're going to spend time together.

Because I missed him too. Maybe it wasn't as intensely as he missed me, because I don't have the anxiety about it. Or maybe it is. I do miss him pretty intensely when we're apart.

But none of that can matter when we're sitting on the couch watching old duels and laughing.

And he's ok.

It's so wonderful to see him ok again.

He still clings to me an unnecessary amount, but he's ok.

We're ok.

He's back and now I'm back and the entire world is ok.


End file.
